I'm eating all of the evidence.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
