Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
