my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
