Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
