She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
