I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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