My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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