happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"