guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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