I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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