I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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