I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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