If i could tip my vagina, i would.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
