I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you had me at cake vodka
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
