Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
