tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
