I am midnight drunk by noon
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
