we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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