he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
