I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
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This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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