Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
