i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She told me I should be a condom model.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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