imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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