don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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