I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
