I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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