i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
