They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
