did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
