I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
