if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
