if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
