My friends, they love my intelligence
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
