it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
