On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
