there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
