would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
