I bet he comes in French.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
