i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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