dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
this is an emotional support booty call
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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