And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
