seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
