In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
