So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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