I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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