just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
