...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
