Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
