The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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