One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
