i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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