I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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