I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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