there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
