Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
