his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I FOUND THE LEGS
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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