It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
