hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
