direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
