He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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