just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
